A letter from Yaniv

From healing to service

Hello again,

As Patricia and I finalise the Level 2 curriculum, one question keeps coming back to me:

Where was I when I first started leading retreats and guiding people through parts work? Looking back, what helped me most, and what stood most in my way?

I remember when I was first invited to co-lead an IFS course. The first thing I felt was dread. A part of me was sure I would be exposed as an imposter in front of everyone. Another part of me was furious at it for holding me back. Only when I asked the angry part to step aside could I turn towards the scared one. It turned out to be a young part of me that had learned, years ago, that my worth depended on never disappointing anyone.

So on one hand, I had this pain, and on the other I had this course to lead. What was important for me about leading this course? Was it more important than moving through the pain I so closely identified with? Surely not!

As I explored these parts I was able to get more space, and excitement about the course surfaced. And that excitement led me to a bunch of parts:

When I was able to give space to all of them, I found that underneath I was yearning to be of service. In the way that only I can be.

True service can only come from wholeness.

Too much, and not enough

I was afraid that I was too much (too performative and vain) and not enough (an imposter, lacking knowledge) at the same time. My inner critic was disguising my gifts as enemies.

There's a passage by Matt Licata I keep coming back to:

On the surface, my parts were trying to stop me from pain. But underneath, they were calling out to help me come to a deeper connection with who I was, and my authentic, unique and personal way of service.

That's why my desire to be of service was so important. By aligning towards being a vessel of service, I could more clearly see my parts' purpose and shape my system into a meaningful expression of my whole self.

Not just what I thought being a facilitator and leader is about. That's the imposter my critics were worried about: that I wouldn't be a "should". How a leader is "supposed" to look.

Parts work happens on two levels at once

Most facilitators I know carry a critic like mine: the one that makes us push a client, rush to fix, or quietly decide we're not good enough to be holding this.

Parts work asks two things of us:

You can't do the first without the second.

If we tell a client "you are capable", but a part of us doesn't believe that about ourselves, it will keep attacking us and pushing us. We'll unconsciously sabotage our facilitation, and our ability to help clients befriend their own shadows. Their healing journey is inseparable from ours.

If there is one thing I am certain of, it's that there are always more parts to find that we deem separate from us. Unworthy to be part of our ideal self.

The more we resist them, the more we resist being of the deepest service to those who seek us out for aid.

If you're coming for tools, please come. But tools only go so far without the humility to transform and become more whole, so that we can be of more service.

Bring a journal and an open heart.

With love,
Yaniv